Do you feel worn down in your relationship, like you are always trying to keep the peace, unsure when (or how) to say no? Do you find yourself questioning whether you are being “too much,” “not enough,” or constantly sacrificing your own needs for others? These patterns can be exhausting, and one schema I often see underneath these dynamics is the entitlement schema.
If you have ever felt like someone in your life expects special treatment, bends the rules, or seems unable to take “no” for an answer – this blog is for you. And if you have ever wondered whether you might carry this pattern yourself (especially if relationships tend to end in conflict or disappointment), it is also worth exploring.
What is the Entitlement Schema?
In Schema Therapy, a schema is a long-standing pattern or belief system that usually develops in childhood. The entitlement schema forms when someone develops the belief that they are somehow above the rules – that their needs should come first, regardless of the impact on others.
It is important to note: having this schema doesn’t mean a person is “bad” or narcissistic. Often, entitlement develops as a way of coping with early experiences where boundaries weren’t taught, limits weren’t enforced, or praise was offered without realistic expectations. Sometimes it is a response to emotional neglect, a way of overcompensating for unmet needs by believing, “I deserve more.”
How the Entitlement Schema Shows Up in Relationships
When the entitlement schema is active, it can impact how a person treats others, especially those closest to them. You might see behaviours like:
- A strong resistance to being told “no”
- Expecting others to go out of their way, without reciprocity
- Difficulty seeing or validating another person’s perspective
- Frustration when things are not done “their way”
From the outside, this can look like arrogance or selfishness. But often, there is a deeper emotional vulnerability underneath – feelings of insecurity, shame, or fear of losing influence or control.
Over time, these behaviours can wear down even the strongest relationships. Friends, family members, or partners may begin to feel invisible, emotionally drained, or like they are constantly walking on eggshells as they try to manage someone else’s emotional reactions.
Empathy and Boundaries: Finding the Balance
Empathy is the ability to understand and share another person’s feelings. It’s an important and necessary part of human connection. But when someone has an active entitlement schema, empathy can sometimes be lacking – or worse, used as a tool to control: “If you really cared about me, you wouldn’t say no.”
On the flip side, those in relationships with someone who has an entitlement schema may overuse empathy. They might excuse hurtful behaviour, feel guilty for setting limits, or become afraid of being seen as selfish. This dynamic can lead to emotional exhaustion, resentment, or a slow erosion of self-worth.
Healthy relationships need both empathy and boundaries. Boundaries are not about shutting people out, they are about protecting your emotional wellbeing while staying connected. And empathy does not mean abandoning ourselves to keep the peace.
Examples of Entitlement Schema Beliefs
People with an active entitlement schema may hold beliefs like:
- “I deserve special treatment.”
- “I get angry when I don’t get what I want.”
- “Rules don’t really apply to me.”
- “My needs should always come first.”
- “I struggle to stop behaviours like overeating, drinking, or procrastinating.”
- “I feel that I shouldn’t have to follow the rules other people do.”
- “I hate being told what to do.”
- “People often say I’m controlling or inflexible.”
- “I expect things to be done my way.”
Common Behaviour Patterns of the Entitlement Schema
Schema behaviours typically fall into three categories:
- Surrender – staying in unequal or one-sided relationships, behaving selfishly, or ignoring others’ needs.
- Avoidance – steering clear of situations where they can’t shine or feel special.
- Overcompensation – giving lavish gifts, making grand gestures, or using charm to mask deeper patterns of control or guilt.
Why We’re Drawn to Entitled Partners (and Vice Versa)
It’s worth noting that people with an entitlement schema often find themselves in relationships with those who have complementary schemas – like self-sacrifice or subjugation. These individuals may have grown up learning that love means putting others first, or that their needs don’t matter.
This dynamic can create a toxic cycle: one person expects to receive, the other feels they must give. Over time, this leads to imbalance, resentment, and emotional burnout.
It’s worth reflecting that we are often drawn to what’s familiar, even if it’s not healthy. Familiarity doesn’t equal compatibility.
Can the Entitlement Schema Change?
Yes, absolutely. Schemas are deeply rooted, but they are not permanent. The first step toward change is awareness. Recognising the pattern in yourself or others can be uncomfortable, but it opens the door to something better: relationships based on mutual respect, shared responsibility, and authentic connection.
In therapy, we often explore:
- Where the entitlement schema originated
- What emotional needs lie underneath the behaviour
- Ways to build empathy and take another’s perspective
- How to set boundaries without guilt
- How to distinguish between assertiveness and entitlement
If you’re on the receiving end of someone else’s entitlement, therapy can also help you strengthen your own boundaries, reconnect with your sense of self, and learn how to respond without getting caught in the emotional tug-of-war.
Simple Steps to Start Rebalancing the Dynamic
Here are some reflection prompts to help you get started:
- Do I often feel taken for granted or overlooked in my close relationships?
- Do I feel guilty or anxious about setting boundaries because I worry how others will react?
- Do I expect others to prioritise my needs even when it’s inconvenient for them?
- Do I struggle when I’m not in control of the situation?
And here are a few simple tools to try:
- Practice saying “no” gently but clearly. You don’t need to over-explain.
- Use “I” statements to express your needs (e.g., “I feel overwhelmed and need some time to myself.”)
- Pause and ask yourself, “Am I expecting something here that I wouldn’t be willing to give?”
- Notice when you feel guilt after setting a boundary. Guilt doesn’t always mean you’ve done something wrong.
Final Notes
The entitlement schema doesn’t make someone a bad person, it simply reflects an emotional learning history that may no longer be serving them (or their relationships). Whether you see it in yourself or in someone you care about, change is possible. It starts with honest reflection, clear boundaries, and a commitment to relating with empathy that includes – not overrides – your own needs.
References
- Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide. The Guilford Press.
- Young, J. E., & Klosko, J. S. (1994). Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior and Feel Great Again. Plume.
